time’s running short.
i’ve got to speak to her. soon.
don’t want to leave with our relationship unrestored.
the other day i was praying about this girl i feel led to speak to. have been aware of how she is uncomfortable around me, the way she feels inferior when i’m around. i’ve always wanted to clear things up once and for all, only when i pray about it, i sense God asking me to wait. He had to work on her side too. my conversation with God ended with something like this:
“God, i really don’t understand. how do people get jealous and become so mean?”
little did i realize that i had become prideful. because i was preparing myself to say i’m sorry even though i had done nothing wrong.
God sure has a sense of humor. recently i’ve started to have funny feelings around this other girl. a very nice, sweet Christian girl who has just about everything i’ve ever wanted. it started off when she talked about her family and about how they were so close and would go on outings and celebrate birthdays and stuff. i felt strange, because as she continued to speak, i wasn’t happy for her. in fact i was thinking to myself, “i want that.” i wanted what SHE had.
my jealousy didn’t get the chance to fully bloom or anything, thank God, but i started to find myself envying just about everything else she had. i thought to myself “why her?” i found fault with her in many things, convincing myself every time that each fault supported my thinking that she did not deserve what she had.
course, everything was much more subtle than i’m making it sound.
the Lord convicted me of this sin. today, i confessed and asked for forgiveness from first, the Lord, and then, the girl i had wronged. praise the Lord. the other truth i internalized: i could become a perfectly horrid person if He weren’t with me. the more i look at His glory, the more i realize how wicked i am, and how much i need Him. it makes me so excited at the thought of the coming perfection.
thank You Lord for humbling me. thank You Lord for telling me to wait. is the time right now?